Mothering

I feel that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. It's a commitment that will never go away and lasts well beyond the 18 years that people assume is our cutoff from responsibility. A mother experiences everything their child goes through, be it hurt, joy, exploration of life around them, or just plain being a kid.
In my life, as I write, I am experiencing one of those horrible moments where I realize that my son is growing older and farther away from me. He and I are so different now that he has become a teen. When he was younger it was just me and him against the world. Best friends having a good time. If we were broke I made a game out of it as best I could. If things were cushy then we went out and explored aquariums and museums....that sort of thing. I was in a coven in Indiana when he was young and he would come along to meetings and rituals with me and usually end up playing computer games while the women did their thing. He even went to a pagan store with a friend of mine and picked out a wand for me for Mothers Day one year. It's the one I still use today.
All of this has changed and he is pulling away. It's more important for him not to be different from his friends than it is for my feelings to get hurt. And that's just not fucking fair. I am reminded time and again by my husband that this is all a part of him being a teenager. I did the same thing to my mother when I was his age. Knowing this and accepting it are two different things. And I don't like it.
I have a lot of health issues and sometimes they get in the way of doing things that "normal" mothers do. Sometimes I think my being sick is another reason that he has pulled away. He has seen several ambulances come to our house to save my life. One time I was taken to the emergency room while in Indiana and he was telling the doctors jokes. His way of dealing with a ragdoll mother laying on the gurney, I suppose, but it amazed me that he could be so detached. Most of the time when there is a medical emergency at our house, like a severe low bloodsugar where I require assistance he is all business and gets me back to safety. There is nothing that I can do about these episodes. It's just a part of my life.
Tonight I had an even bigger shocker. He brought home information about his football teams bbq that starts off the season which is next Saterday. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes because they are having a scrimmage beforehand and watching him play makes me proud. He then proceeded to tell me all of the reason why I wouldn't enjoy myself and how boring it was going to be. He wants to ride his bike and go alone. After a while he finally relented to me the reason why he didn't want me to go. He doesn't want his friends and their parents to know that I'm a freak. How is a Mother supposed to take this?
I have conceeded to his point and agreed that I would dye my hair black or some other dull color during the football season. I hate this for many reasons. Why does it have to bother him so much that I'm not conventional? Where did my fun loving little boy go? How do I make him see that it's sooo fucking important to walk your own walk and screw the one's who don't have to courage to be themselves? AHH!!!!
I pray I pray I pray that the Goddess will someday shed light on my son's narrow views of the world. I spent years doing the best that I could and it just hasn't worked out. May he grow up and fall in love with a Goddess worshipping DIANIC priestess who will teach him in her own loving way that it just doesn't matter what others think. I am having a hard time not letting him keep his free will. I am not going to do any spells to make him see. I have to focus on myself and my love for him and my acceptance of his feelings. But I really want to call him a little fucker and pin him down until he agree's with me. Am I sick or what?