Mothering

I feel that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. It's a commitment that will never go away and lasts well beyond the 18 years that people assume is our cutoff from responsibility. A mother experiences everything their child goes through, be it hurt, joy, exploration of life around them, or just plain being a kid.
In my life, as I write, I am experiencing one of those horrible moments where I realize that my son is growing older and farther away from me. He and I are so different now that he has become a teen. When he was younger it was just me and him against the world. Best friends having a good time. If we were broke I made a game out of it as best I could. If things were cushy then we went out and explored aquariums and museums....that sort of thing. I was in a coven in Indiana when he was young and he would come along to meetings and rituals with me and usually end up playing computer games while the women did their thing. He even went to a pagan store with a friend of mine and picked out a wand for me for Mothers Day one year. It's the one I still use today.
All of this has changed and he is pulling away. It's more important for him not to be different from his friends than it is for my feelings to get hurt. And that's just not fucking fair. I am reminded time and again by my husband that this is all a part of him being a teenager. I did the same thing to my mother when I was his age. Knowing this and accepting it are two different things. And I don't like it.
I have a lot of health issues and sometimes they get in the way of doing things that "normal" mothers do. Sometimes I think my being sick is another reason that he has pulled away. He has seen several ambulances come to our house to save my life. One time I was taken to the emergency room while in Indiana and he was telling the doctors jokes. His way of dealing with a ragdoll mother laying on the gurney, I suppose, but it amazed me that he could be so detached. Most of the time when there is a medical emergency at our house, like a severe low bloodsugar where I require assistance he is all business and gets me back to safety. There is nothing that I can do about these episodes. It's just a part of my life.
Tonight I had an even bigger shocker. He brought home information about his football teams bbq that starts off the season which is next Saterday. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes because they are having a scrimmage beforehand and watching him play makes me proud. He then proceeded to tell me all of the reason why I wouldn't enjoy myself and how boring it was going to be. He wants to ride his bike and go alone. After a while he finally relented to me the reason why he didn't want me to go. He doesn't want his friends and their parents to know that I'm a freak. How is a Mother supposed to take this?
I have conceeded to his point and agreed that I would dye my hair black or some other dull color during the football season. I hate this for many reasons. Why does it have to bother him so much that I'm not conventional? Where did my fun loving little boy go? How do I make him see that it's sooo fucking important to walk your own walk and screw the one's who don't have to courage to be themselves? AHH!!!!
I pray I pray I pray that the Goddess will someday shed light on my son's narrow views of the world. I spent years doing the best that I could and it just hasn't worked out. May he grow up and fall in love with a Goddess worshipping DIANIC priestess who will teach him in her own loving way that it just doesn't matter what others think. I am having a hard time not letting him keep his free will. I am not going to do any spells to make him see. I have to focus on myself and my love for him and my acceptance of his feelings. But I really want to call him a little fucker and pin him down until he agree's with me. Am I sick or what?

The Fire Within

Once, long ago, there was a girl who did not fit in anywhere. This didn't seem to bother the girl because she had her books, she had her animals, and she had her words. Unable to communicate her feeling to others she turned inward to search deep within herself to see what she was made of. Her answer was.....words. Lots and lots of words. Tangled, gnarled, twisting streams of words ran through her, over her, and below her. Sometimes she was able to take these words and write beautiful poetry, short stories, and letters she could never send, so fearful was she that she would be rejected, abused, and mistreated. She lost herself in books and writing.
When this girl was in her teen years the trust of her mother was smashed. Her mother had gotten ahold of her writings. Deep, intimate, spiritual, frightening writings that had been hidden from others so as not to be judged. What happened as a result of this was her mother submitted some of her writings to the school of performing arts in her hometown. She was accepted. She did not feel accepted and sharing her writing was so painfull that she sabotaged her education and left the school on very bad terms.
Many things happened over the years to this girl and she soon became a woman. A marrage that failed, a son who mattered more to her than even her words, moves to strange places, different schools and different jobs, finding the man who is her soulmate. She then experienced a pain that no man or woman should ever feel. She lost faith, became ill, and anger at the Goddess was replaced by abandonment. She left her Goddess and waited to die.
This girl, who is now a woman, has once again found the love of the Goddess, has found the love of sisters of the craft, and has found the love of words again. They burn in her soul, they swim in her head, and they resonate in her most powerful abdomen. She does her priesstess work, she goes to full moon circles, she talks on the phone and spends time with the women in her life. As she does so she is sometimes distracted by her words and can't wait to get them down in her Book of Shadows. Inspiration comes from her life now. Love is in her life now. Magic is in her life now. She is no longer afraid to show her words to others. She is saying" I am here and this is me" She makes no apologies for her words anymore. They come as they come. And they are good.
She has six months until she is ordained as a High Priestess in the Dianic Tradition and during the next six months she is working on the words that she will present to her sister witches and her High Priestess. And what is in her soul will be gifted to them......in perfect love and perfect trust.

Enter Stage Left....Kismet

Six months ago I was a very sick woman. It's hard to describe to a healthy person what it's like to be convinced that you are dying. Not only that, but I had gotten to the point where I decided that if this was to be my life then I didn't want it to go on much longer. No, I did not contemplate suicide. I was just ready to give up. By a cosmic alliance greater than any I have encountered I happened apon the CAYA coven, sweetly nestled in Berkeley CA and the bay area in general. I still can't get all the facts straight, but before I knew it I was being driven to The Sacred Well by my husband. I was still too ill to drive and even my husband (a christian) knew that I was desperate for contact with likeminded women. I was to meet Rabbit.
And there I was, sitting across from a Force. She saw into me and heard my dialog with Skuld, the third Fate, who hold the scissors that cuts you from this life and sends you back into the cauldron of ancestors to wait for a new body. I was there to talk with her and decide if I was a proper fit in her new Dianic Initiate group. There I was, searching, reaching for help. I needed the Goddess back in my life, I needed help. I was told later by Rabbit that she knew where I was without me even having to tell her. She felt, at the time of our first meeting, that if these were my last days in this life that Dianic training would help me transition. (I'm paraphrasing and hoping I'm doing it right!)
And that's how my life began again. Since going through my initiation ceremony (and seeing Z Budapest!) and joining my fellow witch sisters on this path, my health has been improving in unexpected ways. The medical profession has done little to make me this way. It has ALL come from my work, the love and support of my sisters, the sometimes not so gentle urgings of the Goddess, and the amazing love, light, power, inspiration, guidance, history changing ways of my HP, and did I mention love? Wow, unconditional love that I've only ever experienced from animals, is now being showered over me by the most powerfull group of women that I have ever known.
We are the future. We are the now. We can make changes and we are starting already....even before our year and a day is up. Take charge, kick ass and have someone else take the names because we are too busy changing how our childrens childrens children will look back and be so proud of how we defeated patriarchy with our love and our words and our actions. Not with guns and war. Not by harming our enemies, but by teaching them how to love.
Goddess bless

Priestess meets Jim Morrison

Fires of creation fueled by you, your tongue drips my song
And into my circle you came so strong
Treating me with salty spices, I desire foreign flavor
And into your world I danced, a white magic savior
Hot wax, nips of passion, bloodwine drinking for nourishment
Souls weaving, tucking, bound without encouragement
Saturated by you, enraptured by you, we forever mesh
Your hands explore, deny my nothing, you pierce my flesh
Submission once so unknown, I now hunger for my lord
My Cernunnos has my heart wrapped in a silver chord

Servitude

Daylight breaks her sleep and fast
Dining on guilt and regressions
Her focus doesn't last
Only noticing her imperfections

Notice her bow low to the weight of the world
On her shoulders a flag of defeat in unfurled
While wanderlust entangles in her minds eye
Duty and servitude exclude her from the shy
Her work and her love is never finished
So the spirit inside becomes deminished

Fires of creation fueled by desire
Leads a march to your funeral pyre
You walked like a God in this space
With dignity and catlike grace
How greatfull the Heavens must be
To spend with you all of eternity

I know who you are
I have seen you before
Evermore you will be burned into my iris
Forgotten not when our time has passed
Something strange and forshadowed
I was told of your coming

I Wait

I wait

It might take forever

And it might take one second

But I wait

And I am not afraid

What was once in my grasp

Is coming back to me

The feeling of this life immortal

The near touching with fingertips

Stars hang low towards me

Invinceability of a diety

And I wait

For it will come back

It might take forever

And it might take one second

But I wait

Burden

You wanted to see
the truth behind me
the black that attacks
climbs up my back
a shame control
of the hurt he stole
is slipping out of my grasp
can't escape my past
dreaming as a teen
of what I could have been
shaken inside
and ripped of pride
the craving for nothing
but it's always something
so much that I retrieve
a soul that bereaves
the love of a lost
beating heart at all cost
this is my burden to bare
not that anyone would care