This One Time....At Witch Camp....

When I first signed up for the Gathering the Goddess I was convinced that no matter how I was feeling I was going. Nothing was going to stop me from experiencing this. No way no how. As the weeks and days drew near that nagging little voice that follows me everywhere started in with her shit about how I might not be able to do it. "It's too long and too far away. What if I have some kind of emergency? Maybe I should just donate my spot to some other eager witch looking for a good time." But then my fuck you voice kicked in and took over. "I'm going and I will have fun if it kills me. Put all your shit in the fucking suitcase and hit the road." So off I went...

Spent the night with my sister Aisling and her Tina, having way too much fun, especially since I had never met Tina before and I usually don't unleash my madness on people until at least the second date. The next morning (yes, as in a.m.) Aisling, Manea and I took off for the Santa Cruz Redwoods. I must mention here that we couldn't leave until Aisling did....well, I don't know what she did. She moves too fast and I can't keep up. And there was much mushy lovey-dovey spit swapping going on with Manea and James. We finally pried her out of his clutch and threw her in the truck.

We got there early. Thank the Goddess that Aisling was in a mad assed rush to get there because then we wouldn't have had all that time to do nothing. I love doing nothing. Actually we were scouting out the perfect cabin. Much later, after some canoodling from Rabbit we were finally in the cabin of our choice. One big room with 12 beds in bunkbed style.....and lots and lots of dirt between me and the bathroom. That part sucked. Finally! We had arrived.

I could go on and on about the fabulous women we met and the amazing things we did and we learned and we loved, but that would be pages and pages. Besides, most of you reading this were there, so that's kinda redundant, right?

The real meat of my story comes the second night of the gathering. By midday I had started feeling sick. Not a big surprise to me but a big let down. I admitted to myself that I just couldn't get up the strength or the courage to go to the ritual that night. It was in a huge hole in the Earth with a firepit in the middle. But no bed and no bathroom...except for a port-a-potty and I really couldn't see myself dealing with my "bathroom issues" in a stinky upright coffin. No thanks, I'll pass. HA! That was a pun that was unintentional...lol...pass. Well, that's what I did. I passed on the ritual and spent a lot of time in the bathroom doing another kind of pass, but it finally got done and I had a couple of hours to lay around and rest. I usually have to get some time after a "pass" to deal with the pain, or the coming down from the pain.

Well, when my sisters had left they had left open both doors to the cabin to let in a breeze. Both doors were on the same wall. There were also two windows left open, on on the wall with the doors and one on the opposite wall, which finally let in a nice breeze as the sun started going down. At one point a little field mouse came wizzing in, ran to the cooler, over to Heaven's stuff, and then ran back out. It startled me at first but then I thought " Poor little things just lookin for a bite to eat." I layed there cooling off from the hottness of the day and dreaming of the ritual that was taking place about a half mile from where I was. I pictured fire and women and song....pretty much what had gone on the night before, except this time I was far away. At least I was healing, I knew I was healing. And then I dozed off....

Something woke me up. It was totally dark outside by now and both doors and windows were still open. It was a noise, but I didn't know what it was so I played possum. I just layed still and waited....and then something was moving across the cabin. It was a bag that Iris had left on the floor. Her bed was by the far door and now her bag was inching slowly out the door. What the hell? All my nerve endings shot out heat at the same time. Panic. But what the...? I grabbed onto my ovaries and made myself get up and walk over there...totally spooked, but too curious not to investigate. Wait...didn't curiosity kill the cat? So I creep over there while the bag is still inching out the door and when I finally come up to where I can peek around the corner there is the cutest little raccoon I had ever seen. Okay, I haven't seen a lot in person, but the one's I've seen have been big and fat and overfed by humans. This little cutey looked young and thin. "No, no, no. You can't have the bag. Iris will kill me if I let you take it." I bent down and started to pull it back and as I did he reached up and grabbed what it was he had been after in the first place. Iris had a plastic baggie stash of snacks. The baggie had already been torn into and my hand got his little raccoon slobber on it when I picked it up. A small box of raisins had been nibbled on. As I was talking to this little guy he just stayed right there and listened to me. "Oh well, you already got a couple and she won't want them now." I said as I tossed them outside....and then shut the door. I put the bag up on the bed and laughed to myself, thinking of the great story I had to tell everyone when they got back. I walked over to the other door and went outside to see if he had taken the raisins. Yup, gone. How cute is that? I went in and shut the door and layed back on my bed, wondering what message a raccoon is supposed to indicate in the magical realm of things. I picked up a Susan Weed pamphlet I had picked up earlier that day and was reading about her different classes in New York when I noticed that a little face was staring at me. That little guy had climbed up onto the garbage can and onto the window sill...and now he was looking at me....wanting more raisins, I guess. And he brought his brother.

At this poing he was kinda creeping me out, but still cute, so I took a picture because nobody was going to believe the determination of this little dude. So I snapped the shot, all the while telling him that he was crossing boundaries that I wasn't comfortable with. You just don't climb into a window when the witch inside is NOT a camper and is all alone....in the dark....with the only food (evidently) for miles....no phone service....no 911.....no nothing. So I shooo'd him away, opened the door and did the same to his brother. Oh, and I shut the window. After all that excitement I climbed back into my bed and proceeded to think about how freakin scary it was becoming to be all alone out in the woods at night by myself. Kinda like BlairWitch, but it's the witch getting terrorized. I'm also the kinda girl who hears bumps in the night and imagines all kinds of boogeymen coming after me. So calming down wasn't that easy.

HOLYSHITWHATTHEFUCKISTHATNOISE?????? scratchscratchscratchscratch. I jump up in bed and look over at the window. The cute little raccoon has now become fucking CUJO and he wants in. He's standing on his back legs and scratching at the glass on the window. I can read his mind "Bitch, let me in. I know you have food. I want the raisins. Your all alone and can't defend yourself against me and my brother. Now let us the fuck in!!!!" Oh crap, this isn't fun anymore. I want my mom. I want my husband. I want my sisters to come back and make him go away. I want a damn flashlight. Why? I don't know, but I can't find one. " Go Away Cujo, you little bastard." Then he backs off and disappears. My heart continues to race right along with my mind. Cujo is getting bigger and bigger in my head, my sisters are getting farther and farther away and when they get back they will find a dead pink haired Kismet with no face. Oh why oh why did I come to this camping thing? I sit on the bed and question my sanity. What if I have to pee? And I really need a cigarette after all this shit. I'm just gonna have to wait. There is no way I'm going outside.

As I'm sitting there I hear movement in the cabin. Oh you've got to be kidding me. Before I even realize what has happened I'm sitting in the corner of the room on the cooler with a broom in my hand. I didn't even know we had a damn broom in here but my subconscious mind must have registered the fact at some point thinking that I might need it for survival. I look where the noise is coming from. It's the top bunk above Luxor's stuff. Right where Rowan had put her dresses to hang......AND THEN ONE OF THEM MOVES.....and there's a Cujo ass scurrying around the top bunk!!!! I'm clutching onto the broom and screaming I don't even know what to that fucker and I think he went out the window. For the life of me I can't figure out how he got up to the window sill. There's nothing there for him to climb on. I'm so freaked out but I think he went back out. But what if he didn't? Or what if there are more in here? What if it's a fucking Cujo family reunion and I was supposed to bring the food? Why did I ever think that thing was cute? It's like all my relationships.....they always seem so harmless and when they turn ugly I think I'm the one that can change them, only to find out I'm supporting his ass and his relatives and they won't go away either. Now I can't close the window because I might be cutting off their only way out and they will then turn on me with their big ugly teeth and rabid eyes. So I wait.....and I try to calm down.....and I try to think rationally (okay)....and I try to conjure up my sisters. After a while it's quiet in the cabin and I don't hear any scurrying noises so I climb into my bottom bunk and hunker down to wait it out.....with the broom.

Next thing I know my sister Raven shows up. My hero!!! Nobody will fuck with Raven. She's kickass. I bounce out of bed and thrust the broom at her. "Here! I'm not doing it anymore. You make them go away!" But wait. Raven is looking a bit unsure. What the hell? "Let's get Ladybug. She just went back to her cabin." I might mention here that Ladybug is our PREGNANT sister, and she shouldn't be fighting off rabid animals in her condition. But I'm like..."Good idea." Anything, as long as it's not me anymore. Then Manea comes in. She thinks this shit is cute. SHE wasn't the one protecting the cabin from beasts. As she's reaching for something she makes a rattling sound with her plastic bag she's holding. Before I can hold up the broom in a defensive mode and back out of the door Raven has grabbed her purse and is beating me to it! We think this is hilarious but I'm still screaming for Ladybug from my cabin to hers. We meet her halfway and she's in a skirt and topless. We explain the situation. "No problem. I'm not afraid, but let me get a shirt on first." We didn't stop to think how funny this was at the time but she later told us she wanted to protect her nipples. I'm not sure where she gets her clothes but mine can be munched through pretty easy. Maybe I wouldn't have been so scared if I had nipple protectors. So she clothes her nips and storms into our cabin. She makes sure there aren't any unwanted guests still in the room and then closes the window. I love that woman.

So as everyone came trickling in from the ritual we got to tell and retell this story over and over again and every time we did it just got more and more funny. I'm willing to be the butt of a joke over this. I don't care because I survived it! But seriously, if anyone wants to hear the funniest version ask Rabbit to tell it. And make sure she puts in the part about the "logic of the moment" when Ladybug went to get her shirt. Still makes me want to tinkle. But I have to mention that Cujo came back later that night when I was outside with Heaven. She told him to go away and he did. He never listened to me like that. The next morning I walk outside....towards the bathroom for my morning pee....and where I was sitting the night before.....on the chair....are muddy little handprints. He was taunting me. It's true. I showed them to Heaven so I had a witness.