The Dark Side

I made an observation the other night. I was at Aisling and Thorns house for a family ritual. I made a comment to Aisling as we were walking in downtown Campbell that I wanted to start paying attention to my blog again, and also start doing the writing that I've been saying I was going to start forEVER. Then it hit me. We're getting closer to the dark side of the wheel. It's always been my time of power, not that I don't have power the rest of the time but that this is the time when I go within. This is the time when all the spirits that reside within me want to take a little peek outside while the rest of me turns inward. And now here I am sitting before my computer with my little blog staring back at me, waiting for some wisdom.
Well, not sure how much wisdom I can create but I have lots to say. I don't think I've ever had a year like I've had. There are so many fantastic, glorious, scary, disturbing, and downright awesome things that I've learned and experienced since I've last blogged. Where to start? I don't think I could ever tell everything (and some are sworn to secrecy!) but I've decided to do what I do best. I'll just tell stories and see how it feels. I'm considering an exercise in teaching my way. So here's a biggie.
On the eve of a most powerful time in my life, my ordination to become a Dianic High Priestess in the Amazon Tradition, the death of my marraige was inevitable. Literally, two night before I was to leave for our weekend of magic, life, death, rebirth, community, and celebration of our accomplishments, my husband and I were sitting in our garage all night, chainsmoking and talking to each other in truth for the first time in I don't know how long. We were both extremely unhappy in our current situation. Our lives were totally different. Neither one of us were willing to accept and admit defeat because nobody believed we could love each other and stay together. Honesty, I think that's one of the big reasons we hung on as long as we did. Losing a child makes the odds of divorce go skyhigh and we had survived it, battered and weary, but we were still here. Another reason we didn't want to face our unhappiness was because of my health. I've always been ill but when I was pregnant with Parker it brought on gastroparesis and Tim has always felt responsible for my current situation. Because I can't work he has been my sole supporter for the past 4 years. If we got divorced how would I survive?We has a very long and emotional conversation but decided to wait until after my ordination weekend to deal with the facts. When I left for my retreat I knew we were getting a divorce and I also knew that Tim wouldn't abandoned me.
When I came home (all about my ordination to come later) we decided that Tim would support me for the next two years which is how long it will take for Dakota to graduate from high school and head his butt to college. Two weeks later I was moving into a tiny apartment close to Dakota's school and we were trying to adjust. It took a few very uncomfortable and miserable weeks before emotions cooled and Tim and I could talk civil to each other again. Money is still an issue and I'm sure it will always be. Money sucks.
Here's the good news. I'm in my own space again. I have my things everywhere and I don't have to share it with icky men who leave their underwear on the floor or put dishes in the sink expecting the dish fairy to come in and clean them. I've started making spell paper and I think people really like it. I won't be rich but I just might be comfortable in the future. I've picked up part time work doing transcription for a computer company. Again, not rich but I'm doing something for myself finally. Dakota and I are feeling comfortable together and actually get along when he feels like coming out of his room. lol. I can have my witch friends and sisters over to my place to hang out. I don't have to ask anyone else and I don't have to frantically clean up the mess that others have made. I just say "sure, come over whenever you'd like"...and they do. It's nice.
The best part is that Tim and I are now close friends. All the pressure that our destructive relationship put on both of us is gone. We don't have to fight about the little shit anymore. I don't care if he's always hanging out with his friends and I don't monitor his actions like a needy little wife anymore. He doesn't have to worry about what his family thinks of me (don't ask) or if his friends can come over without me being rude, which I am to one of his dumbass buddies. Oh how I hate that piece of shit. Anyway, don't have to deal with it anymore!!! Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, but it's so much nicer.
So I guess that even though we are divorcing we are still proving them wrong because we still are together. Not as a married couple but as two people who care about each other and are now able to support each others needs and life goals. Well, my life goals. He's just trying to get through the day at this point. Hey, you try supporting two households in this economy! But he said he would do it so I'm holding him to it!
So that's the beginning of my blog comeback. I know it's not all witty and wise but it's one major change in my life this past light side of the wheel. More to come later. It's time for the Kiz to try and get some sleep.
love to my peeps,
Kismet